


i hope you’ll be happy

by nctdreammybubs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Nohyuck, chensung - Freeform, im sorry, markhyuck, renmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-19 08:20:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16530890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nctdreammybubs/pseuds/nctdreammybubs
Summary: mark wants freedom, donghyuck wants commitment.





	i hope you’ll be happy

**Author's Note:**

> so before u start reading just let me say im rly bad at angst because i dont usually write angst and yeah even if i do theres always a happy ending so,, im sry:” there’s suicide at the end so yeah.. enjoy!!

"mark?" the older hummed in reply, eyes never leaving the television as he thread his fingers through the younger's soft locks. donghyuck turned to face the older in his lap, so that he's staring at the older's chin. his fingers reach out mark's cheeks, forcing the older to look at him. mark turns to look at his boyfriend in his lap, tilting his head sideways in confusion as to why the younger had decided to interrupt him in the middle of the movie.

"yes babe?" 

donghyuck's mouth opens for a moment, before it closes again. he's hesitating, and mark knows. mark pats the younger's head softly, encouraging him to go on with his words. but instead of saying what he'd wanted to say, donghyuck flips to face the television again, eyes trained on the scene ongoing. it's the part where the leads get married, they're saying their vows, and he groans inwardly at how everything is literally pointing him towards the conversation that he'd wanted to have with the older. mark coos at the conflicting look on the younger's face, although he is slightly worried at how antsy the younger is.

"hyuck, tell me what's on your mind?" mark tries, donghyuck doesn't answer. donghyuck sees the look on the leads' faces, and although he knows its all just an act, he can't help but wonder what it'd be like to be tied down to someone, to have someone by his side forever, to _belong_ to someone.

"hyung, you think we can be like them?" mark looks back up to see the leads crashing their lips together. he rolls his eyes, a grin on his lips.

"you could just ask if you wanted a kiss, you kno-"

"that's not what i meant," donghyuck sits up straight, a straight face on. 

"what i meant is," he points to the wedding scene on the television, "are we going to be in each other's future?"

mark gulps, eyes looking away to the floor. his heart picks up pace, but for all the wrong reasons. 

the furrow between donghyuck's eyebrows deepen and a frown claims his lips.

"hyung?" mark continues to gaze at the floor, and he feels his pals getting sweaty.

"hyuck, you know i...you know i don't-"

donghyuck scoffs, and mark almost wants to curse. he knew he shouldn't have pushed for donghyuck to talk. it was a sensitive topic, one mark wish he never had to come across because he knew, donghyuck knew. they both knew that he couldn't and wouldn't answer him.

"of course you don't. i know," donghyuck crosses his arms over his chest, turning to face away from the older.

"hyuck i-"

"save it," the younger huffs, standing up to head to their shared bedroom, not forgetting to slam the door shut behind him.

mark slumps in his seat, a loud sigh escaping his lips. he runs his fingers through his hair, frustrated at what had just happened. everytime they came across that topic, they always ended up fighting. mark knew it was his fault. what made him feel even worse was the fact that donghyuck would always end up being the one to apologise the next morning, saying sorry for not being able to understand mark. it made him feel guilty because he knew that there was nothing wrong at all. it wasn't wrong for the younger to expect a secure relationship after having been in it for 5 years. guilt continues to pool in his stomach when he turns off the television, throwing the controller into the corner of the room. the controller lands with a loud crash, and mark lays down on the couch he and donghyuck had been cuddling on minutes ago. he craddles his head, feeling an oncoming headache. tears begin to well up in his eyes as his heart clenches in its place.

 

donghyuck lets himself fall effortlessly onto the bed. he felt the familiar stinging feeling in his eyes when the door he'd slammed close didn't open again. sure he'd slammed it real hard that there was a possibility it might fall off, but he didn't lock it. he doesn't deny that a part of him had been hoping that the older would follow after him, say sorry, reassure him, and answer his question. he clenched his eyes shut, pulling the blanket over his head. the tears finally leave his eyes when the all too familiar scent of the older envelopes him, and he ends up sobbing himself to sleep again. 

when donghyuck wakes up, his eyes are so sore that he doesn't even want to open them. he knows that they're red and definitely puffy. he turns to mark's side of the bed, and the frown on his face deepens at how cold it is. 

"of course..."

he makes his way slowly over to the mirror in the corner of the room, taking in the sight of himself. his fingers reach up to poke at the puffy eyebags under his eyes. he knows he looked more lethargic than he did 5 years ago. he's had many things to worry about, but he knows the main issue bothering him. all he wanted was a stable and secure relationship, one where he knew the other belonged to him and him only. a bitter chuckle escapes his lips.

"i think i've had enough."

mark wakes up to the sound of sizzling oil, and the scent of pancakes waft into his nose. his senses become keen, and he jolts up, fully awake. he jogs over to the kitchen, and he's greeted by donghyuck in an apron, back facing him. he coughs awkwardly, causing the younger to yelp in surprise.

donghyuck turns around to see the older looking at him from the entrance of the ktichen, and he flashes a smile to the older. mark knows the smile isn't genuine, and he doesn't miss the way the younger's eyes don't crinkle when he smiles. for some reason, the smile makes mark's stomach drop, and it gives him a bad feeling, makes his stomach feel like its being wrenched.

"breakfast will be ready soon."

mark nods even though the younger can't see him, and he takes his usual place at the table. donghyuck places the plate of pancakes on the table, along with mark's usual cup of coffee. the older mumbles a "thanks" before he begins digging into the food. 

"damn babe you should open a pancake sho-" mark looks up with a mouthful of pancake to see the younger staring at him. it's only then that he realises he'd been the only one eating. he then also realises how red and puffy donghyuck's eyes are, how bloodshot they are. his gaze softens and he gently places his fork onto the plate. his hands reach up to cup the younger's cheeks, to which donghyuck flinches, before relaxing. mark's thumb instinctively begin to rub at the eyebags, even though he knows it won't actually reduce the swelling. his heart clenches tightly at the thought that he'd been the very cause of these tears, and it falls when donghyuck doesn't react by leaning into his touch like he usually does.

"hyung i'm sorry," donghyuck says after a long moment of silence. again, it was donghyuck who'd apologised first. it didn't make mark feel any better because this made his feel worse as a boyfriend. his heart falls at the thought that one again, he'd lost to his pride. but on the other hand, it rejoices at the fact that this meant they'd be getting back together.

or so he thought.

"hyung let's break up."

the words come and go fast, like the wind. it passes by mark's ears, goes through his head to be registered before it exits out the other ear. for a moment, mark wonders if he'd heard wrong. no, he was sure he'd heard wrong.

"what?" 

"i said let's break up," donghyuck whispers out. mark doesn't respond for a good few seconds, and awkward silence envelopes them. suddenly he whips his head to the calendar sitting next to a photo frame, a photo of their first date 5 years back. mark throws his head back and he laughs. or at least he tries to.

"nice try babe. it's 7 months after april though, a little late or actually early?" mark grins at the younger, laugh faltering at the end when he realises that maybe, donghyuck wasn't joking.

"i'm serious, hyung," donghyuck sighs, looking up to look mark in the eyes. it's only then that mark realises the younger is crying, again. 

"why?" is all that comes out of mark's mouth, and he feels tears welling up in his eyes as well. donghyuck wants to glare at mark, shout at him, and honestly, throw him out of the window for making him feel like this.

"what do you think?" he retorts. mark feels adrenaline course through his veins, and he begins to panic.

"is it about the marriage thing? i'm sorry hyuck i'm sorry i really am, don't leave me please," he pleads, grabbing the younger's wrists as donghyuck stands up to leave. 

_one last chance_

donghyuck turns to look at the older through his tear-filled eyes. his heart clenches when he sees the older crying, and it makes him feel sorry all over again. he didn't want to do this, but it's not like he had a choice, right? he wanted security, a stable relationship, commitment. and mark? none of that.

"hyung, let's get married."

mark hangs his head low, sobs still escaping his mouth. 

"h-hyuck i can't-"

"i know that!" donghyuck slaps the older's hand away, causing the sobs to get louder, "that's why i don't want to force you. you can't give me what i want, and i can't give you what you want. you want freedom, but i want commitment," donghyuck wanted to sound strong, at least determined, but it comes out as a soft whisper, his voice cracking at the end.

donghyuck stands up to head to their shared bedroom, and mark sits rooted to his seat, tears streaming down his face endlessly. he hears the sound of rustling coming from the bedroom, and he jolts up, sprinting to the bedroom. when he stops at the door, donghyuck's already zipping up his luggage. mark goes over to where the younger is sat on their bed, and sits down next to him, grabbing his hand. he intertwines their fingers. 

"hyuck don't leave me please, i can't live without you," he chokes out, and donghyuck's resolve almost crumbles. he almost wants to drop everything in his hands and throw himself into the older's arms. he almost wants to return to mark. almost.

"mark you can't do this to me. you can't not at least assure me that you're going to be there for me in the future yet expect me to do the very same thing for you," donghyuck whispers as he shakes his head. he looks up at the older, and his heart tighten at the look on the older's face. its broken, a look that donghyuck is used to because he was broken for mark. donghyuck grips the older's hand, reaching up to cup his face as he pulls the older towards him. mark's hands instinctively rest on the younger's hips, pulling the younger closer to him. donghyuck's eyes flutter shut, and he squeezes the tears out of them, when the older pulls him closer, leaving no visible gap between them.

donghyuck pulls away first, hands never leaving the older's cheeks as he caresses them. mark's eyes are shut, and he nuzzles into the younger's touch, wanting to never let the younger go. his hands reach up to wrap tightly around the younger's wrist as he swallows the cries threatening to escape his throat. he opens his eyes to see a broken smile on the younger's face, and he wants to throw himself off the building for ever causing the younger to look like that.

"i love you mark," donghyuck leans forward to place a soft kiss on his lips again. his lips linger for a few seconds before he pulls away, collects himself and forces himself to get off the bed. he stands up, heading towards the door. he's about to open the door, but he pauses for a second.

"i hope you'll be happy," donghyuck whispers and he knows the older can hear him because of the increasing intensity of the sobs coming from behind him. it takes great effort for him to leave the room, and eventually the apartment, but he does anyway. he's had enough. he walks out of the apartment, closing the door softly behind him. the numbers "0206" glare back at him when the door closes, and he remembers how they’d even thought of buying an apartment with that unit number. a smile makes its way onto his face at the memory, but he shakes it off, heading straight to his car. 

mark hears the door to their apartment close, and he finally loses it. the cries come out of his mouth, and he doesn't bother trying to conceal how broken he is. he lets himself crumble into pieces, system filled with regret. he tugs at his hair, and he sees the mirror in the corner of the room. it doesn't take long for him to pick himself up, walking over slowly to it. 

"fuck, fuck, fuck everything," he throws a fist into the center of the mirror, and it cracks. blood starts flowing from the open wound on his knuckles which had come into contact with the mirror, but he can't care less. he continues to throw punches at the mirror, hoping that the pain he was feeling at knuckles would somehow take his mind off the pain in his chest, but it doesn't. he crouches to the floor, cradling his head in his hands as tear drops make their way down to the floor.

"why the fuck are you so stupid...?"

\- 

the doorbell rings, causing jaemin's head to whip from his phone to the door.

"coming!" 

he tilts his head in confusion. it wasn't time for renjun's part time job to end yet, so it couldn't be him. he opens the door, coming face to face with a red and puffy-eyed lee donghyuck. his eyes widen when the brunette lets out a broken "jaemin ah" and he doesn't hesitate to let the younger in, before wrapping his arms around donghyuck. 

when donghyuck finally settles down on the couch, he croaks out a "we're done" to jaemin. the pink-haired male freezes in his spot, choking on his saliva.

"i'm so sorry," he whispers before pulling the crying male into his chest. donghyuck doesn't resist, wrapping his arms around jaemin's waist.

"so tell me how hard do i have to beat him up?" jaemin threatens as he pulls his friend closer to him, to which donghyuck lets out a chuckle. jaemin was extremely over protective whenever it came to donghyuck, and let's say it took him a really long time to actually accept mark as his boyfriend. he frowns when thoughts of the older flood into his head again.

"i broke up with him," donghyuck mumbles. jaemin's eyes widen for the nth time, and he groans.

"lee donghyuck stop giving me so many surprises today," and donghyuck chuckles again.

"what happened?" a frown replaces the smile on donghyuck's face, and he feels like crying all over again.

"i swear if he cheated on you i'm gonna whoop-" 

"no he didn't. oh my gosh stop being so violent, nana," donghyuck groans, slapping jaemin's arm.

"sorry," jaemin smiles sheepishly, rubbing his nape awkwardly.

"i asked him if we were going to be in each other's future, and you know his issues with commitment. he couldn't give me a definite answer," donghyuck sighs into jaemin's chest, tears beginning to well up again. jaemin rolls his eyes.

"this is why i never approved of him in the first place," he sighs, and donghyuck glares at him. jaemins raises his hands up defensively.

"he doesn't deserve you if he doesn't want to give you the commitment you should have," jaemin says matter of factly, and donghyuck knows he's right, but it only causes the aching in his chest to intensify.

"but i love him," donghyuck whispers out to no one in particular, "i still do."

"i know you do," jaemin sighs, patting donghyuck's head, 

"i know."

\- 

mark takes another huge swig from the beer can in his hand, emptying its contents before crushing it and throwing it against the wall. his head pounds from having drinking non-stop the past few days, but it doesn't lessen the throbbing of his heart. he gazes at the broken pieces of the mirror still on the floor through half-lidded eyes, chuckling quietly to himself.

"you're an idiot, mark lee, you," he points to himself, "you don't deserve to be alive."

just then the door opens and mark jolts up in his seat. he squints his eyes, when he sees two figures at the door. 

"mark hyung?" chenle calls from the entrance of the apartment, and jisung closes the door behind them.

"donghyuck? is that you?" mark shouts from his bedroom, and chenle sighs. the two make their way over to the bedroom, where they see mark seated on the floor against the wall, surrounded by beer cans. some are unopened, but a large percentage sit in the corner of the room, crushed and cleared.

"hyung, you can't go on like this," jisung mutters as he bends down to pick up a can.

"y-you're not donghyuck," mark's eyes soften for a moment, before he breaks down into tears again.

"get out," he whispers through his sobs. chenle and jisung glance at each other, unsure of what to do. when they don't move, he throws a can their way.

"i said get the fuck out!" 

jisung sighs before pushing a shocked chenle out of the room, closing the door behind them.

"he'll get over it soon," he mutters under his breath, and doubts himself for a moment when he hears desperate cries come from the room. his eyes droop in pity for the older and he shakes his head, trying to think of ways to help his hyung.

when mark wakes up, he hears noises coming from outside the bedroom. his heart picks up pace and he can't help but hope that it's that one person he wants to see. so he scrambles to his feet, tripping over the numerous beer cans scattered all over the floor. his heart drops and he can't help the look of disappointment on his face when he sees jisung and chenle in the kitchen.

"ah hyung, you're awake," jisung's eyes widen when he sees the older standing at the door. he doesn't miss the look of disappointment on the older's face.

"ah, yeah..." mark fakes a smile, before heading to his room, shutting the door softly behind him. 

"sung," chenle calls from behind the tall boy. jisung turns around to look at his boyfriend, a confused look on his face.

"should we tell him?" chenle mutters, eyes looking to the floor. jisung frowns.

"but jaemin hyung said we couldn't no matter wha-"

"couldn't what?" mark's voice comes from behind the entrance to the kitchen, and jisung lets out a soft "what the fuck", placing a hand on his chest.

"hyung you scared me," jisung starts hesitantly, hoping that it would help to change the topic.

"what did jaemin say you couldn't tell me?"

when jisung doesn't answer, mark's gaze shifts to chenle who also refuses to look in the eyes.

"le."

mark doesn't have to continue, and chenle sighs before giving in.

"donghyuck hyung is leaving today."

mark stands stunned, unable to register what the younger had said. when it finally does hit him, a crease forms between his eyebrows.

"donghyuck's leaving? to where?"

"france," jisung whispers.

mark feels his heart picking up pace, and he doesn't wait for jisung to finish before he's putting on his shoes and running out the door. he curses when he trips and lands on his palms, but he doesn't waste any second to pick himself up before running down the stairs. when he gets down to the road, he flags for a taxi, asking the driver to bring him to "incheon airport please". he doesn't know how many times he'd told the driver to "drive faster please", but the old man in the seat doesn't question, nodding along to his requests. it's then that mark realises he doesn't even know how and where to look for donghyuck. he whips out his phone, searching for the flight details of the next flight to france. thankfully, it's easy to figure out which flight donghyuck most probably is on because there's only one flight to france left for the day. he also knows its most probably the flight that donghyuck is on because donghyuck had always mentioned about how much he loved night flights. he feels the familiar stinging in his eyes as he watches buildings pass by, and his legs shake unconsciously out of impatience. when they arrive at the airport, he hands a 50000won note to the driver because he doesn't have smaller change, but the driver only smiles before pushing the money back to him.

"good luck," is all the man mutters, but it gives mark the energy he needs to search for donghyuck. he nods before running out of the taxi, not forgetting to thank the driver profusely. he catches sight of the large clock in the middle of the airport, and it reads 17:06. he had 1 hour and 14 minutes to look for the younger. it shouldn't have been difficult, considering how he already knew where and when to find the younger. but he knew that donghyuck liked to check in early, and by early it meant at least an hour and a half before the flight took off. mark sprinted over to gate 20, where the younger was supposed to go to for his flight. his heart picks up pace when he sees a familiar mop of pink hair.

"jaemin!" mark shouts, catching the attention of the pink-haired male. the smile on jaemin's face is replaced with a frown, and mark winces at the look on his face.

"what are you doing here?" jaemin mutters under his breath.

"where is donghyuck? jaemin please tell me," mark pleads, begging the younger. but jaemin doesn't budge. he admits that he does feel bad for the older, but it was already too late for him to regret.

"jaemin please," mark finally goes down on his knees, tears cascading down his cheeks. it earns them stares from strangers walking by, and jaemin's resolve to stay mad at the older crumbles. he crouches down to mark's eye level, trying to get him to stand up.

"hyung, stand up please. people are staring."

but mark doesn't budge. he raises his head to look jaemin in the eyes, the desperate look still on his face. sure he had tears and snot all over his face, his hair was a mess, he smelled of beer, he was still dressed in his pyjamas, people were staring, but was he going to care? no. all he wanted was to see donghyuck. 

"please," he begs, causing jaemin's gaze to soften.

"hyung i'm sorry," jaemin begins, hesitating as he bit his lips,

"he just left."

the world around him stops for the second time (the first time when they'd broken up), and mark freezes. an unreadable expression appears on his face.

"d-donghyuck? he's gone?" he whispers, as if unsure of his own words. jaemin nods, and he sees mark's face twists into one of pain, hurt, confusion, desperation, all in one. 

"he's gone, he's gone," mark buries his face in his hands, allowing his tears to continue flowing endlessly. jaemin wraps his arms around the older, pulling him closer. he rubs his hand up and down the crying male's back, shushing the older. from the corner of his eyes, he sees jisung and chenle arrive with renjun, and he gestures for them to leave them alone for a moment. 

"jaemin, i fucked up," mark sobs into the younger's shoulder, and jaemin's heart aches at how broken the older sounds. sure he'd broken donghyuck's heart, but he did think mark deserved a second chance.

"i let him go, i let my world go, i let everything go. i ruined everything, i ruined us," mark pulls away to look at jaemin with a look that the younger has never seen on his hyung's face. 

"i fucked up."

-

mark's thankful because his friends had been there for him the entire way, and he can't help but wonder how donghyuck's coping all alone. they'd broken up 5 years ago, and it wasn't true that time could heal wounds because here mark was, still sitting in the apartment that used to be theirs but was now his, heart aching just as freshly as it did 5 years ago. jaemin had kept in contact with donghyuck, but donghyuck refused to contact mark. said it was his way of making things easier for the both of them. so he'd stopped bothering to get jaemin to update him on the younger's well-being, because it didn't help him in his efforts to get over donghyuck at all. in fact, it only made things more difficult. his gaze lands on an all too familiar photo frame sitting on the book shelf in the corner of the room. mark walks over to it, picking it up. his gaze softens and the aching intensifies when he sees the picture of him kissing donghyuck on the lips.

_"mark lee where on earth are you bringing me to?" donghyuck questions, laughing as mark guides him through what he figures is han river (because of the laughing of children in the background, and the sound of water in the distance). mark had blindfolded him, saying something about a surprise._

_"we're here," they come to a stop, and mark removes the blindfold. a gasp escapes donghyuck's lips, and a smile makes its way onto his face at the sight before him._

_"a picnic?" mark senses the excitement in the younger's voice, and nods excitedly before dragging donghyuck over to the shady spot he'd chosen. it provides them with a perfect view of the river and the playground, where they see children running about. mark sits down next to the younger, and donghyuck rests his head on the older's shoulder. two kids run past them, one chasing after the other, and donghyuck chuckles._

_"kids are so cute, don't you think?" mark only hums in reply, tightening his hold around the younger._

_"hyung i love you," he hears donghyuck whisper, and he wonders if he'd heard wrong. afterall, this was their first date. he pulls apart to hold donghyuck at arms length away._

_"what did you say?" donghyuck gulps, refusing to look the older in the eyes. he takes a deep breath._

_"i said," he shouts, before placing his hands on the older's shoulders to balance himself as he leans in towards the older. mark can feel donghyuck's breath on his ear, and a shiver runs down his spine._

_"i love you," donghyuck whispers into his ear, before sitting back down next to mark, turning to look away from the older. mark doesn't respond for a moment, but his heart picks up pace, and the edges of his lips curve upwards._

_"donghyuck look at me," he whispers and the younger just shakes his head. donghyuck doesn't want mark to see him blushing. mark places his fingers under the younger's chin, forcing him to turn to face him. the smile on his face widens when he sees the blush dusting the younger's cheeks. he really wants to tease the younger, but the feeling of warmth overwhelming his body causes the smile on his face to soften. donghyuck looks him in the eye, and he almost curses at how beautiful the younger is._

_mark leans in closer towards the younger, eyes flickering back and forth between the younger's eyes and his lips. donghyuck's breath hitches, and his arms reach instinctively to wrap around mark's neck. with a small tug, donghyuck pulls the older towards him to closer the gap between their lips. his eyes flutter shut, and mark's does too, as his arms grab the younger's waist to pull them closer to each other. it's soft, is the first thought that comes to mark's mind. when donghyuck tilts his head to left, mark tilts his to the left as well, tongue reaching out to reach deeper into the younger. mark deepens the kiss by pushing the back of donghyuck's head gently towards him. there's no resistance from the younger as donghyuck lets out a soft moan when mark bites down on his tongue._

_snap, snap_

_they pull apart at the sound. donghyuck turns to look in the direction of the sound, but mark continues to look straight at the male in front of him. donghyuck's lips are slightly parted, quick breathes escaping them. he pulls the younger in for another short kiss, earning a soft yelp from donghyuck before he threads his fingers through the older's hair. when donghyuck pulls away, mark whines at the loss of the feeling on his lips, turning to glare in the direction of the sounds._

_"jaemin i think we're caught," renjun deadpans, pulling his boyfriend out of the bush they'd been hiding in._

_"na jaemin?" donghyuck crosses his arms, an eyebrow raised._

_"uhh hi?" jaemin smiles sheepishly._

_"you have 3 seconds," donghyuck glares at him._

_"3."_

_"uh. bye! i love you!" jaemin shouts before grabbing his boyfriend's wrist to run off towards their car. renjun just rolls his eyes, letting himself be dragged._

_"jaemin! send me the pictures!" mark screams towards the running male, to which he receives a thumbs up in response. a grin replaces the frown on his face, and he almost groans when he sees the younger pouting._

_"i want the pictures too," donghyuck whines, making the older coo at how cute he looks. mark pulls the younger towards his chest so that donghyuck's head is rested on it, and he pecks the top of his head. his lips linger for a few moments, and his heart swells in bliss when donghyuck respons by wrapping his arms around the older's torso._

_"i love you, lee donghyuck," he mutters into the younger's hair._

memories of the younger flood through his head again, and mark groans, throwing his head into his hands. he regretted having not given donghyuck the commitment he wanted. back then, he had his doubts, but now he was sure. he would be willing to spend his entire life with donghyuck. only donghyuck made him feel as complete as he did. donghyuck was the part of him that completed the puzzle, the one who'd glued his broken pieces together, the one mark knew he wanted to stay beside forever.

mark shakes his head, putting on a pair of shoes before heading out. it'd been a long time since he'd taken a walk in the neighbourhood, because he couldn't bring himself to walk through his memories with donghyuck, without the younger by his side. his feet bring him to the park nearby, and he's about to take seat on the bench when he sees a kid in the sandbox, all alone.

he's sat alone, trying to build what mark figures is a sandcastle, but failing to do so. the pout on his face is irresistibly cute, and mark makes his way over to the boy.

"hello, are you here alone?" mark questions as he pats the boy's head. he couldn't be over a year old. the boy nods, and turns to look at him with a wide smile.

"what's your name?" 

"hello mister! my name, lee minhyung!" the boy smiles wider, and mark's eyes widen in shock.

"we have the same name!" mark gasps, causing the boy to gasp as well, and mark can't help but want to pinch his cheeks.

"we're best friend!" 

"yes, we are. where are your parents?" The boy tilts his head.

"daddy, shop and uncle nono, get me ice cream," the boy says in broken korean, and mark chuckles.

"want me to teach you how to make sandcastles?" mark grins when he sees the boy's eyes light up.

"yes!"

so mark slowly teaches the younger how to make a sandcastle, explaining step by step while the boy stares at him with his mouth open wide. he nods eagerly whenever mark asks him "understand?" and mark reaches a hand up to ruffle the boy's hair.

"minhyung!" both the boy and mark's head whip to the voice, and mark sees a tall male run over to them. the male stops right before the sandbox, crouching down to the kid's eye level.

"uncle nono!" minhyung's eyes light up further, and he stands up on his wobbly feet to waddle over to the male. the male squints his eyes at mark for a moment, and mark decides that it's probably best if he introduces himself before misunderstandings set in.

"hi, i'm mark. sorry i must have seemed weird. he was playing alone so i thought i'd just accompany him for a while," he stretches his hand out for a handshake.

"yeah! mister has, same name as me," minhyung points to himself with his small hands, "he taught me, build castle!"

the brunette's smile softens at minhyung's words, before he stands up to take mark's hand.

"hi, i'm lee jeno. thank you for taking care of minhyung while i wasn't here."

"it's no problem really, he's so cute," mark reaches down to pinch the boy's cheeks, "and we have the same name!"

"ah, my fiance named him. they're the same, equally adorable," jeno picks minhyung up in his arms, cooing slightly when the small boy struggles to eat the ice cream in his hands. mark watches jeno go into a full blown conversation about how adorable his fiance is, about how it'd taken him 3 years to get him to start dating him.

"i proposed last month," jeno's smile widens, and mark thinks about how lucky they are, to be able to get married to each other.

"he sounds wonderful, congratulations," mark says a little half-heartedly, and memories of donghyuck come back again. 

"he is. he's an angel. i love him so much," jeno lets out a blissful sigh, and mark groans at how even though it's his first day taking steps in the neighbourhood again, he's already being reminded of donghyuck everywhere. suddenly jeno's eyes widen, and he jolts up.

"oh shit i forgot he sent me on errands, he's gonna kill me," jeno groans. mark chuckles.

"sounds pretty scary," to which jeno shudders at the thought of his angry fiance.

"oh you don't know," he shakes his head, "a true devil when he's angry."

"i'll see you around!" jeno waves at mark, and minhyung waves too, before they're headed in the opposite direction mark had came from. 

mark's stomach begins to rumble, and he remembers that he hadn't had breakfast yet. so he walks along the streets, hoping to come across any place serving decent food. as he walks down the streets, he notices a pancake shop at the end.

"pancakes sound good," he mutters to himself as he enters the shop.

just when the door opens, a familiar smell wafts into his nose, his gaze automatically shifts to the male at the counter who has his back to the door.

"welcome!" the voice causes mark to freeze in his tracks, and all mark can think about is how much he misses his voice. the brunette turns around to greet his customer, a smile on his face, but freezes when he notices mark.

"mark," he whispers, and his gaze softens. mark's breath hitches, and he feels tears welling up in his eyes.

"hyuck."

he almost breaks down at the entrance, until donghyuck steps out from behind the counter. he gestures for mark to follow him, and they take a seat in the corner of the shop. nobody talks for a long while, and mark takes in the sight of the younger before him. he hadn't seen him in 5 years, and mark admits that the younger still looks as amazing as ever. the eye bags are gone, the frown mark had last seen on his face replaces with a warm smile. he had dyed his red hair brown, and mark wonders if he's the reason why. donghyuck lets out an awkward cough.

"how've you been?"

"horrible," mark lets out after contemplating whether or not to tell him the truth. he decides to just be honest with donghyuck.

"oh," is all donghyuck says before they return to awkward silence.

"you?" mark asks back, voice small and weak, and donghyuck feels the familiar aching in his heart return slowly. he closes his eyes to compose himself.

"i've been better. went to france, came back when i felt like it was okay to do so," a smile appears on the younger's face, and when he sees the look mark is giving him, he wants nothing more than to envelope the older in a hug. mark nods in response.

"hyuck, you think we could have ended up differently?" donghyuck lets out a bitter chuckle.

"maybe, who knows?" and mark almost wants to correct him. 

_i know_.

"would you give me a second chance?" mark whispers out, and donghyuck's breath hitches.

"i might have, back then. but now i-"

"donghyuck, i love you," tears begin to spill out of mark's eyes, and donghyuck's gaze softens. he reaches a hand out to wipe the tears hanging at the edge of the older's eyes.

"i love you too, mark. but not in that way anymore," donghyuck wonders how mark always has a way to make his resolve crumble to bits. the older bursts into tears, and donghyuck cups his cheeks.

"i love you, i'm sorry, i love you so much, i'm sorry i let you go," mark rambles, choking on his sobs once in awhile. donghyuck only caresses his cheeks, and mark nuzzles into his touch. 

"no mark, i'm sorry i let us go," donghyuck whispers, the clenching in his heart intensifying. 

"i'm sorry, don't leave me please, i can't live without you," mark sobs out, and donghyuck feels himself being overwhelmed with guilt when he sees how broken and desperate the older looks. mark's eyes are shut, but tears continue to fall, and donghyuck wants nothing more than to take the older into his arms. but he can't just throw 5 years of effort, trying to get over the older, out the window just like that.

"mark i can't," it's only then that mark feels a cold metal on his cheek. he pulls away from the younger to stare at his hand. he almost wants to throw up when he sees the ring on the younger's hand ring finger. 

"y-you're...?"

"yes, i'm engaged. not married, but i'm not throwing away my future with him for you, mark."

mark feels everything around him stop again, just like it did 5 years ago. of course, what did he expect? of course donghyuck was going to eventually meet someone who would be able to give him everything he wanted. of course donghyuck was going to meet a man who would be able to give him the commitment he wanted, what mark couldn't give him. did he really expect donghyuck to come back to him years later, accept him again?

_yes, that's what i thought._

donghyuck was beautiful, unique, everything he needed. of course if he gave him up, someone else was going to swoop in to take him away. he should've known better.

"he's the luckiest man in the world," mark lets out a bitter chuckle, before his sobs intensify.

"i'm the lucky one. he waited years for me to get over you. i love him. i'm sorry mark," donghyuck whispers as the male before him eventually stops crying, reduced to hiccups.

the door to the shop opens, and mark hears foot steps.

"daddy!" mark's head whips up at the familiar voice. 

"minhyung!" he watches the smile on donghyuck's face widen as he opens his arms wide for the toddler to jump into his arms. jeno stops next to the younger, leaning down to peck him on the forehead. a giggle escapes donghyuck's lips when jeno mutters a soft "baby" against his forehead. jeno looks up and its only then when he notices mark. his eyes widen in shock for a moment before he's smiling again.

"mister!"

"mark! what a small world."

"you know each other?" donghyuck asks, giggling when minhyung cuddles into his neck.

"yeah, we met at the park just now," jeno grins.

"you went to the park?" donghyuck glares at jeno, causing him to smile sheepishly before leaning in to peck donghyuck's lips.

"i'm sorry," he gives donghyuck the best smile he can, and donghyuck groans, because he can never win against jeno's smiles.

"yeah yeah," donghyuck playfully rolls his eyes, before he remembers that mark is still sat in front of them. he gulps, taking a deep breath.

"mark, this is my fiance and my son," the younger finishes before looking to jeno and minhyung. they all have wide smiles on their faces, and mark's heart aches at the thought that donghyuck now smiles at jeno the same way he used to smile at mark in the past. the aching intensifies at the thought of how radiant and bright the younger looks, how happy he looks, compared to the heart broken look he'd seen on donghyuck's face the last time they'd seen each other. mark lets out a bitter smile.

"isn't he an angel?" jeno coos at donghyuck, earning him a playful glare in return.

"knew he sounded wonderful," mark lets out, and he feels like crying all over again. he should have known. lee minhyung, an angel, smile as bright as the sun. of course jeno was talking about lee donghyuck. to mark, lee donghyuck was ethereal.

"stay for some pancakes," donghyuck mutters before he stands up, heading to get everyone a share. jeno and minhyung take a seat opposite him, and his eyes flicker back and forth between the three. a smile makes its way onto his face at the thought that they _were_ the perfect family. the family that mark couldn't promise donghyuck years back. his heart clenches at the thought of how if he'd done something back then, said something, chased after donghyuck, maybe, just maybe he would have been in jeno's position today.

when he finishes eating, he stands up to leave.

"thank you for today," he says to no one in particular, but he smiles at jeno, then at minhyung who pouts and begs him not to leave, and he just laughs, saying that he'll be back soon. minhyung ends up throwing a fit, and jeno has to take him to the bathroom to clean up. when they're both gone, mark looks at donghyuck last, and he can't help but want to wrap his arms around the younger. but donghyuck does it first.

donghyuck wraps his arms around mark, pulling the older towards him. it's nothing, just a friendly hug between friends (or at least that's what donghyuck thinks), but it makes mark's heart beat thrice as fast. his arms wrap around the younger as well, naturally settling on his hips as he buries his head in the younger's neck. he takes in a deep breath, wanting to imprint memories of the younger into his brain. tears threaten to spill all over again, and a soft strangled sob escapes his lips.

 _it's not enough_ , is what mark thinks, but they pull apart eventually.

"see you soon?" donghyuck smiles softly at him, and mark's thankful. he's thankful that although he'd been in pain, the younger had managed to get over him. 

"mm," mark responds with a half-hearted smile, and it worries donghyuck for a moment. because mark lee didn't smile like that.

mark doesn't wait for his response before he turns to head out of the shop. when he's out, he walks till he's out of view from the shop before he breaks down in the middle of the streets. people walk past, giving him weird looks. he knows it's embarrassing, but it doesn't cross his mind when all he can think of is how he's lost donghyuck permanently.

he gets back on his feet a long time later, and he trips over his own feet because of how numb they are. he doesn't know how long he'd spent crying in the middle of nowhere, but it doesn't bother him. his face is rid of emotion, and he continues walking, with only one place in mind. before he knows it, he finds himself back at han river, the spot where they'd had their first date. he steps closer to the edge, feeling a wave of nostalgia hit him. he's thankful that there aren't many people around today. memories of the younger flood into his head again, and he wishes he could turn back time. strangled sobs escape his mouth, and images of donghyuck flash through his head, as he shuts his eyes.

 _mark lee, i love you,_ he sees the younger's radiant smile, and a smile unconsciously makes it's way onto his face.

 _i hope you'll be happy,_ a frown replaces the smile.

"i hope you’ll be happy, lee donghyuck," mark whispers, the edges of his lips curving upwards at the thought of the younger. his body goes limp, and he allows himself to fall forward, into a never ending abyss of darkness.

"mark lee!" is the last thing mark hears before he’s enveloped by water.

_ah, what a beautiful voice._

**Author's Note:**

> this story lowkey makes me sad so its not my fav. imma write a fluff after this just to cheer myself up HAHAHA thank you for reading though, it was my first attempt at writing something a little more angsty. once again, thank you for reading!! <3


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